i must be wearing a sign

there must a sign. a really bright, flashing neon sign hanging around me neck...that is of course invisible to me. but clearly visible to everyone else. and the sign must say, "offer me parenting advice or skip the advice and just tell me i am a bad mom". negative, yet quite vocal, people seem to be drawn to me for some reason. and it is not as awesome as you might think.

today i gave ele a peanut butter and honey sandwich. i wanted to give her peanut butter and jelly but i didnt have any jelly. i know, i know, honey is full of sugar. but i buy only by 100% natural, straight from the bee type honey, so it was all natural sugar. and i only gave her a little. she gobbled down the entire sandwich in record time.

and then i discovered thanks to a near by parent that children under 1 are not suppose to have honey due to the bacteria that occurs. and said bacteria occurs more often in the all natural honey. awesome, i have poisoned my child. and i continued on to discover that you should only give kids the smooth peanut butter.

the peanut butter was crunchy. full of nuts.

that could make me a bad mom.

i also like to let eleri explore. she pretty much has free reign of everything. i do not want to dampen her curiosity. plus i dont think it is realistic to remove everything that could potentially be dangerous from her reach. she has to live in the real world and the real world is not baby proof. so i leave a few "dangerous" things out so she can leave the meaning of the world no. and so she can also learn to obey. also so she can learn how to behave when we are out of our own home and in the homes of others. homes that are not baby proof. so she mostly has free reign. and i think it adorable to watch he scoot/crawl/walk to whatever thing has caught her eye. lately, its been grass. e loves the grass. i take her socks and shoes off and let her go all over the place. she giggles and smiles and i usually stop her when she tries to eat the grass. but hey, a little grass never hurt anyone right?

and then someone was kind enough to point out that her toes were cut/raw. why you ask?

because i let her crawl around barefoot. all the time.

that could also make me a bad mom.

but i prefer to use the term laid back. or relaxed.

a stranger, who was apparently watching me and e interact at the park, came up and told me that i was "rather non-chalant" with my child. i took that as a nice way of saying laid back. whether that was what she meant or not! aside from deadly sandwiches and bleeding toes, there is no real harm in being relaxed.

when i first had e, i would not let anyone touch her. seriously, anyone. it was a struggle to give her over to my mom and then it was only because i was so physically tired i needed the break. but outside of family, no one (and i mean NO ONE) was allowed to touch the baby. i remember one time when eleri was about 3 months old we went to a friends house and her mother was there. she came over to admire e and before i knew what had happened she had picked e out of my arms and was holding her. a stranger was holding my baby. i started hyperventaliating. seriuosly. it was a major panic attack. so much so that after about 2 minutes rhys had to make up some excuse and get the baby back. no one was allowed to touch my baby.

which also meant that i didnt let anyone help me. i felt alone, scared, isolated and very overwhelemed. i was so up tight about anyone else being around eleri that i stressed myself out so unnecessarily. after the nearly fatal incident at our frineds, i slowly began to realise i was crazy. so very crazy. and i needed to relax.

and relax i have. perhaps a bit to the other extreme, but i would much rather that. ele makes friends wherever she goes because i allow her to interact with other children and adults. she is learning great social skills and learning by exploring. i never want to reign in her curiosity. so if that makes me a bad mom, then so be it.

little e thinks i am great! :)

nine and 3/4ths...

that right, little e is 9 and 3/4 months old. i know, i know, i am 3/4ths of a month behind on the picture and the post. but things come up and i like to be flexible. if there is one attribute that i could have 100% percent of the time it would be..., well, it would probably be patience. but flexibility is a close second. as a wife, as a mother, as anything really i feel it is crucial to be flexible. i make a plan for sanity's sake, but also accept that my ideas are not set in stone. anything can change my day and the more flexible i am with my plan, the smoother the day runs.

hence the 9 and 3/4 post instead of just 9 months. we are just being flexible.

ele is AWESOME. as her mother, i realise that i will probably always have that opinion, but its true. she is awesome. it is strange how much a tiny little person can fill up your life, and your day. i seriously can not imagine a day with a little hand pulling at my leg, or a little giggle filling the house, or a little pouty mouth letting me know that that is not what she wanted to do. such personality.

this is a fun stage.



and she is probably the cutest baby ever.

as for milestones, i feel like she has just fine tuned what she learned last month. e claps and waves on command. which is great. also comforting to know that she has an understanding of what those things are. i like to see that she is learning. she is still walking around furniture, pulling up on everything and walking comfortably as long as she has hands to hold on to. nothing on her own yet, but we are getting close. she will stand alone (yea!!) and walk with just one hand, but i think she is a bit afraid to branch out on her own. but its ok, i can tell that she is growing stronger by the day. it wont be long now!

i often read other blogs and speak with other moms about babies and development. a common sentiment among them seems to be that they dont want their babies to grow up. they love the tiny stage and want it to last forever. i dont. dont get me wrong, i love every stage of eleri. i loved when she was so tiny she couldn't even lift her head and i love that she is so strong she can stand up. but i LOVE seeing her grow. i dont miss the stage we are leaving, i look forward to the stage we are entering. every day my little e becomes more and more of a person. i am so blessed that i get to be a part of her daily development. i wouldnt trade our time together for anything. seriously, anything.

she eats real food now; pretty much whatever rhys and i are having. unless its pizza or fish and chips. only healthy stuff for the babe.

she LOVES bubbles and puppets.

we practice counting and our alaphabets every day. we go through numbers in welsh (for rhys) japanese (for my mom) spanish (cause its a good language) and english. alphabets the same, minus the japanese because i only know my nubmers.

e loves to sing and dance as well. any music plays she is moving...and making noises right along with it.

e is awesome.

oh, and she has 5 teeth.

15 down, eleven billion to go.

i have packed 15 boxes. who knows how many more are left, but my estimate of eleven billion is probably pretty close. moving is a big task. moving overseas is an enormous task. it is not just the packing, but the detailed custom forms, tax documentation, insurance and that doesnt come close to the total cost of shipping across an ocean. oh, how i wish i could just rent a U-Haul. I would love to haul it all myself. as i am not a ship captain, i dont see that happening.

it has been interesting to say the least to try and pack with a mobile 9 month old. as i put things in the boxes, she find it is great fun to take things out of the boxes. e has even managed to tape herself inside one of the boxes. i think that has been the highlight of my packing experience so far. well, that and the awesome box forts. and the pirate ship.

aside from packing, it will be a busy next few months. the plan is to be out of our flat within about 4 weeks. then the 3 of us will spend a few more weeks staying with friends. then its off to Wales for a few months and finally land in arkansas sometime in september. typing out september makes it seem like quite a long to go. it also seems like quite a long time to be living out of suitcases. but i say i like travelling, so maybe i can convince myself that since i am living out of a suitcase, i am travelling?.... worth a try.

We will actually be travelling quite a bit before we go. we are trying to take in as many european destinations as weekend trips before we move and our weekend trips become places like Dallas and Eureka Springs. I am not saying there is anything wrong with those places, we have friends in those places (Hi Mel!) but if i had the option, i would always choose spain over texas. between now and september we have Denmark, Spain, France, and several varied excursions within the UK planned. as i said before, aside from packing, we have a lot going on.

and even though the packing does make it seem more real, especially when i go to get something and realise "oh yeah, i have already packed that" but i still cant believe that we are moving. some days i cant wait to leave and sometimes i wish rhys' visa wouldnt come through so we would have to stay. some days i feel both of those things. i suppose it will be like that until we are settled in our new home. but its so hard. take for example last week. i received a great email from an old friend back home. (hi megan!) it made me so excited to move back to arkansas. but then last friday i had a fantastic late birthday celebration with my girls here. nothing says happy birthday like a revolving dance floor. and it made me not want to move. sigh, guess i am going to have to get used to the roller coaster rides that are my emotions.

and i suppose i will also have to get used to my house looking like this




but everything will get done that needs to get done. we will enjoy our time with friends and our travels. we will have good family time in Wales and soon enough both rhys and i will adjust to our new home. but in the meantime...if any of you local readers want to come help me pack, you are more than welcome! come on over!

a busy week ahead

the boxes come today. packing really makes everything start to sink in. we are trying to box up and ship everything out to america within a couple weeks. its a big move. i am anticipating a very busy week.

and everyone, thank you for your messages. be it on facebook, email or the comment section, i really appreciated everything you all had to say. it made me feel a lot better about the moving situation. plus i was reminded of what good friends i have in the area. so thanks.

and on a very exciting note, rhys and i just registered for the 2011 london marathon. heres hoping we get a place!!

could this be the best birthday ever?

today is my birthday. i am 28. that sounds old to me; i am old, not old like trevor...but still old. i think i am 22. when people talk about early twenties, i still think i fall into that category. but i dont. i am a mere two years away from 30. weird.

over the years i have had some great birthdays. surprise parties, planned parties, little parties and big parties. i have some fantastic birthday memories. but i am beginning to think that this year tops them all.

This year, i woke up to my daughter moving around in her crib. I quickly grabbed her out and the two of us cuddled in my bed for about an hour. i was woken again by a tiny little hand poking my nose. opening my eyes to see her beautiful smiling face was an incredible way to start my birthday. the rest of the morning was spent playing games and cuddling with my little chicklet. and when i said "today is mommy's birthday" i got a giant smile and a big clap. i like to think she understood me and was helping me celebrate.

i had two wonderful cards waiting for me this morning as well. one from my wonderful husband and a nice homemade card that little e made for me. she is so talented.

and at lunch time i received my gift from rhys. spain. i can not put into words how excited i am. i CAN NOT wait to go. two weeks from now i will be celebrating my 28th on the beach, sipping some sangria, watching my little girl enjoy the sand and sea for the first time.

yup. this could be the best birthday ever.

birthday sushi

i have known stacey for the best part of 15 years. i feel like an old woman saying that, but its true. We grew up in the same city, worked at the same summer camp, went to university in the same state and now, by some crazy twist of fate, we both happen to live in london. its bizzare. but it is really nice to have some one close by who i have so much history with.

even though my birthday is not until friday, we decided to celebrate on wednesday. it was great.

we ate on this street


it was delicious


then we went to the park and played around for a bit and ate some fantastic gellato




we finished off the day with beer and chips just before i caught the train back home. it was a good early birthday. thanks stacey, it was great :)

by way of annoucing....

I am careful to make the distinction between my blog and my journal. my journal tends to be much more personal than "share with the whole world" type of stuff. however, this time there is really no better way to say what i want to say than share an excerpt from the ole' journal. its a bit long, but it explains everything i want to say. so here it goes...

it's peaceful here, my local park. Its a beautiful and warm sunday evening, my two loves are out for a run and here i sit with a steaming cup of tea, basking in the warm glow of the evening sun on my favourite park bench. i remember the first time that i came here, I found it quite odd to walk across the street, with tea nonetheless, simply to sit in the outdoors. but in the absence of a back garden, a park 10 meters away is the next best thing. now i find it glorious. everything about my park is peaceful and calming to me. i love that it is big enough to have swings, a play gym, 4 benches and a grassy knoll. i love that it is small enough that no matter where you sit, you can see the entire park. i love that in the far west corner is an old oak tree with so many knots, twists and cracks that i am left with the impression it was standing during the Blitz of WWII and what i see today are the remaining battle scars. I love that amid the laughing children, chirping birds and scampering of too many squirrels i can hear the trains zooming by overhead. I love that i can always faintly hear the football banter from the corner pub about 30 meters away. I love that the east side of the park borders a busy street so i am never short of people to watch. I can see my front window from my park bench. and i love that. that view makes me feel close to home. I love everything about my park.

and i wonder....will i miss these sights and sounds when i am in america and have my own private back garden? will a neighbourhood with privacy fences and big, enclosed back yards feel dull and boring to me after my years of public parks? Or will i grow to love the experience of having a cup of tea only 2 feet from the kettle, as i sit on my own patio, in my own chair, watching my own grass? soon enough i will have the answers to these questions. sooner than i was expecting.

we are leaving london in less than two months.

rhys and i have been praying earnestly about what our next step should be. we have both felt for a while that our time here was drawing to a close. we have been seeking Gods will and asking him to give us clear direction about what we should do and where we should go. Our landlord phoned us last week and said he was selling the flat. we had two months to move out. if that is not a clear sign, than i dont know what is. we are leaving london.

even though i just wrote that sentence myself, i can hardly believe it. I almost dont even want to think about it. i am over come with emotion. after 3 years, i am leaving what has become my home. i know in the grand scheme of life, 3 years is not very long. but these particular 3 years have been some of the most significant and life changing i have ever experienced. they say that the five biggest life changes are getting married, moving, having a child, losing a job/getting a new job, and a death. Aside from death, all of those things have occurred in the 3 years since i have been living in london. I moved to the UK the day after i got married. I have only ever been a wife in London. I birthed my first child here. life transformed for me in the UK; it stopped being about single Kristina and i have gradually stepped into the roles of wife and mother.

leaving london is more than simply changing a location, it is leaving my home.

we all have labels based on our life stages, student, child, boss, friend, employee, and so on. Living over here gave me a new one- ex patriot. thats a funny word, one that makes me think of a hardened criminal fleeing prosecution or an old war veteran seeking refuge on foreign soil. but ex-pat became a description of me. and while being an ex-pat, a foreigner, caused me to stand out a lot in the past years, i have also found my niche, my place to fit in. i have people i go to for a laugh, people i go to for a cry, people i can phone up for a pint, people who offer brilliant advice and people who are simply there when i need them. i have an amazing group of "mom friends", i have an incredible church, one that i am quite distraught about leaving. rhys and i have an indescribable core group of friends here that will be irreplaceable. i have my local shop, my local pub, my local rugby club....i have my life here. and it will be hard to leave.

but soon, I will pass the expat label on to rhys. i will no longer need to carry that around. i will be returning to my own country. but even though i have spent the majority of my years in america, i no longer feel like i really know how to live there. i have never been a wife or a mother anywhere else but here. and as silly as it sounds, it makes me kind of nervous. for example, i dont know about ANY baby products in america. creams, lotions, washes, diapers etc... I dont know what the best things are to buy or even where to buy them. I dont know the first thing about choosing a paediatrician. because of the NHS here in the UK, we dont actually see a doctor for e. just a 'health visitor' do i need to register with a doctor? and dont even get me started on trying to get insurance!! what about food? i am so used to eating based on the UK food market. it took me a while to get accustomed to it, but now i am so used to it that i am even nervous about what kind of food i will be able to buy. and juice. the recipes are different between the two countries, the type of food used is different because the geography is different. even the measuring system is different.

and what about the way i do life. i am used to basing my day around how long it takes me to walk places or what the train/tube time table is. but most places in the states, especially where we are moving, doesnt even have sidewalks everywhere. will i have to drive most places? is a neighbourhood the only place i will have to walk now? do people use re-usable bags at the grocery store or will i get funny looks for bringing those in? plus how do i plan meals for the week that consists of more than what i can carry back with me? so many changes. and although i am nervous, i must admit, most of those changes will make my life a lot easier.

it will be easier to have a garage and not have to carry baby, stroller, bag and umbrella down 12 steps to the main road. it will be easier to not live on a main road. it will be easier to have a dryer and a dishwasher. but i enjoy my simple life. will i come to resent the convinecencs? or will i quickly forget my experience here? I am also fearful of the familiarity that the midwest offers. since i have been writing here on my park bench 2 polish girls have come and gone, a Scottish family is playing on the gym, a muslim couple and a young girl are kicking around a ball and 3 english boys are running wild. i am worried that i will be surrounded by my fellow americans and i will lose the diversity that i love so dearly.

i could go on and on with the changes and the questions, but its all uncertainty. the only thing i know for sure right now is that my time here is drawing to a close. this chapter on my life is finishing. even though i am well aware a new chapter is beginning, it still makes this ending a sad one. I am well aware that moving to america will provide my family with more monetary and material opportunities than we could offer living in london. but the cultural and experiential opportunities that we are leaving behind are irreplaceable. europe is amazing. my head knows that america is just as amazing in its own right, but at the moment my heart is having a hard time catching up with my head. so i will give myself time to mourn and then time to rejoice.

in university i had a method of deciding whether or not i should do something. everything was rated on a scale of 1 to 5. a good memory gave you 5 points. so cost, responsibility, effectiveness, everything was weighted against whether or not a positive memory would be the outcome. if it was, then said choice was awarded a 5 and i did it. regardless. after all, a memory was worth 5 points. that is how i ended up travelling the world, going to grad school, getting tattoos etc... but i suppose that is not the most responsible way to make decisions anymore. i can not choose to stay in a place just because it is an adventure and will give me 5 memory points. I have a husband and a daughter now. it is what is best for all of us. moving really is the best choice.

so i am brought back to this, my park. now there is a young english family playing football. their youngest is about 2 and every time she tries to kick the ball, she misses badly. it is adorable. but is that what i want for my family? only a public park to share our family memories? no chance to build a tree house, or have a sand box, or be able to run through a sprinkler? no yard for snowmen, or a snow fort? or do i want something different? I will miss my park. I will miss my train zooming by, the double decker buses honking, causing the birds to scatter. I will miss having to balance my tea, books, journal and pens as i wonder over to my bench. i am nervous about the move, but at the same time a little at peace. we prayed for clear direction and that is what we got. and i will trust in the Lord who is faithful to provide, protect and guide.

"Therefore i tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat: or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food and the body more than clothes. Consider the raven: they neither sow nor reap, they have no storeroom or barn: yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable are you than the birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you can not do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet i tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. IF that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will He clothe you?...but seek His kingdom and all these things shall be added unto you" Luke 12:22-29,31


oh, by the way, we are moving to fayetteville, arkansas.