there are no words

i have sat down to write this post countless times over the past month. Each time i try, i end up deleting everything before i post it. It just never sounds right. there are not enough words, no right words, really nothing that can describe the situation. to put it mildly, it is heartbreaking.

when i lived in arkansas, one of my friends found out she was pregnant. i remember one time when she came to visit me at work, she was really excited because her plan was to only wear 'normal' clothes the entire course of her pregnancy. she was so excited about everything. a few weeks later she found out that her little baby had trisomy 18 and would die. She named her son eliot and he lived for 99 days. you can read all about it HERE. During that time, i remember feeling so sad for them. I couldnt imagine having to deal with something like that.

shortly thereafter i found out that i was pregnant. and eliot was one of the first things i thought of. even though i still have no idea what its like to lose a child, having one of my own now, it hits home a bit harder.

so here we are now and one of my friends from high school is pregnant with a little girl. Sheyenne is 31 weeks. i remember being 31 weeks pregnant. i was giant, tired and ready to be done. i really took those last few weeks for granted. Sheyenne, on the other hand, is soaking it all in. she is treasuring every kick, every movement. she has taken great care to document her pregnancy, making all the memories of this special time with her little girl. she is drinking in every, single precious moment that she is pregnant because her little girl is dying.

is there a nicer way to say that? i have re-typed that line several times. fatal pregnancy sounds just as, well, fatal. there is no way to soften the blow. sheyenne is carrying a child that will never survive in the earthly world. she is carrying a baby that she knows she will bury. i cant even begin to imagine waking up every day with that knowledge. it breaks my heart.

and i am sure that it breaks sheyennes heart too. but she has shown amazing strength and courage. she keeps a baby blog HERE. i really recommend that you go and read it. it will break your heart, but it will inspire you. and she can say it better than i ever could. i really wanted to write a post that was significant for the situation. but i cant. i cant explain it. i just cant do sheyenne or her baby justice.

but i will do what i can. there is an organisation that has offered sheyenne support and comfort. They deal specifically with fatal pregnancys. THIS is that site. They send out resources and materials free of charge to women who are dealing with pregnancys like sheyenne's. for every person that leaves a comment on this post, I will donate to the organisation. it is a small gesture, but its the least i can do.