today = fail

 My children began the morning by revolting and getting up at 6.00! That is almost 2 hours earlier than either one of them usually gets up. I told Eleri she had to stay in bed and put the mobile on in Lowri's crib to occupy her. I managed to lay in bed for a few more minutes, but sleep was not possible as all I could hear was Lg's crappy mobile music and Eleri saying "Mommy, mommy, mommy. mommy, mommy, mommy...." you get the picture. About 6.45 I went back up to get them both.

Apparently E actually needed something and was not just being noisy to get up. Her bed was soaked. When I asked why she didn't let me know she needed to go potty, she said "I did. I was calling mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy but you didn't come." Knife through the heart. Pretty major mom fail.

Lg was also not too happy about being left in her bed either. Explosive poop all over. I will never understand how such a tiny body can produce so much poop! After feeding Lg, cleaning up a pretty massive throw up from the walls and couch, getting E dressed and starting a load of laundry, I decided breakfast out was a better plan than in. So off we went to McDonald's. Yeah, I know, breakfast of champions. But it was only 7:45 and I was already at my wits end. I could feel my frustration growing so a change of scenery seemed like a good idea.

Our stomachs full of pancakes, and mine full with some coffee too, we headed out to the zoo. The change of pace had worked, all of our attitudes were better. Until we pulled into the zoo.

Lg started screaming the minute we turned into the parking lot and E decided that this was a good time to say that she didn't want to go to the zoo any more. I should have listened to her and turned back around. But I was annoyed. We had made lunches, packed the bags, made plans to meet a friend and driven 30 minutes to get to there. We were staying put whether she liked it or not!! Not a wise move, mom fail again.

As I explained to E we were staying and tried to get Lg to stop crying, I realised our stroller had 2 flat tires. When your stroller only has 3 tires and 2 are flat, it doesnt make for smoothest of rides. But I put Lowri in and off we went to the zoo. Very awkwardly might I add.

Once inside it didn't go any better. One of the exhibits Eleri wanted to see was closed for renovation, our friend ended up getting there about an hour late (she has a 7 week old so totally understandable) and Lg decided she needed to start crying again.

We made it to the monkey exhibit and managed to find a few sprinklers to run through before we headed to the playground so I could sit and feed while E played. But once we got there, E didn't want to play. This was about the time she also decided she didn't want to wear shoes anymore either. As we were fighting nicely discussing why she had to wear shoes at the zoo, and I am trying to situate Lg with the nursing cover, a 5 year old girl comes over and the next 10 minutes went something like this:

random kid: I like your baby. I have some dolls. I like real babies though. I have a sister. she is not a baby. can i see your baby? why is she under a blanket? Can I touch her? Do you have more than one baby? Why are you at the zoo? Can I touch your baby? Can I feed her? What does she eat? What do you eat? I like fruit snacks. I think I have some. Hold on I will be right back. (kid runs off....kid comes back) Why is your baby under a blanket? Look I have fruit snacks. Who owns this bench? Why is it here? I think it is for big girls like me. I am big. But you are bigger. Do you like babies? Do you like benches? When does your baby want to eat? Can I feed her? I like to feed babies. Do you know baby Greg? He is a baby. I feed him sometimes. You know him? can I touch your baby?

Me: No, you cant touch my baby. She is eating.

Kid: Why? I want to touch her. Why cant I? Why is she eating under a blanket? Why?

By this point I am losing my patience. My own kid is whining, not playing and pulling on one arm, while this other completely unknown, random kid is pulling on my other arm, incessantly asking me questions!!! I had some questions of my own! For starters, where was this kids mother and why was she not doing anything!!!

Finally my friend and her son came, but E just wanted to watch a movie on my iphone. So what did I do? I gave it to her. By this point we had been at the zoo about an hour and half and only seen the monkeys. Eleri had been shoeless and running around for about 30 minutes and Lowri was annoyed that her feed was continuously interrupted. Eventually both kids were ready to move on and we ventured over to the tigers and lions.

Tigers are e's favourite part of the zoo. They are her favourite animal and she continually talks about them. Our friend wanted to play on the water slide and not see the tigers. So after about 25 minutes together, all of which Eleri spent on the phone, we split up.

We saw tigers, lions, penguins, rhinos and then ate lunch. These are all within 20 feet of each other so we had not really wandered all that far. Then the melt down happened.

You may think I mean Eleri. Oh no, I mean me.

Annoying kid from earlier reappeared and the questions started again. Every other word out of Eleri's mouth was asking to go on the train, reminding me that last time we were here I had promised her a ride that next time we came. Lg had yet to stop crying so I picked her up and she exploded poop and vomit all over herself, me and the stroller. Did I bring a change of clothes? No. About 30 seconds later E said she needed to go to the potty. So here I am, covered in baby junk, with a crying baby also covered in baby junk, pushing a stroller with two flat tires and trying to correct a three year old who is refusing to wear shoes. said three year old was also jumping in every muddy puddle she could find (dear god I am hope it was just mud) and now she wants to go to the potty. Awesome. I said she needed to wait a few minutes.

Did I mention we were in the bathroom not even 10 minutes before that and she had very adamantly refused to go because she said she didn't need to? 

We eventually head to the bathroom, leaving a nice trail of grossness as we go, but it was too late. My child, who has been potty trained since she was 18 months old, and before today hadn't had an accident in so long that I cant even remember has now had 2 today. Did I have extra clothes for her? Nope. Mom fail yet again.

Ensue meltdown.

I was somewhere between volcanic anger exploding out of my mouth and tears of defeat pouring down my face. I put Lowri in her stroller, apologised to Eleri for not having extra clothes and just sat down on the ground, frustrated and dejected. We were finished at the zoo.

Somehow we made it to the parking lot, one shoeless and one screaming. We are home now, thank the Lord, and both are asleep. I am not sure if things could have gone any worse than they did, but now they are quiet and it is wonderful.

still alive

I am still here. yes, it has been quite a while since I have posted. Over a month in fact. But it has been crazy. I have full intentions of doing complete posts on the new, tiny one, eleri and our latest family happenings.....but in the meantime, here is a quick overview.

-the tiny one is 11 weeks tomorrow. Crazy. In her short 11 weeks she has been in and out of the hospital 4 times, had an IV twice, countless amounts of blood drawn, and I dont even know how many tests done. The poor thing was so ill. But we have an answer, she has medicine daily and no surgery necessary.

she also smiles all the time, has started to giggle and, praise the lord, sleeps between 9-10 hours at night!!

-the big one turned 3 on tuesday! I can not believe that my firstborn little baby is 3 years old! I sound like a crazy, old woman but how is that even possible?

-Rhys has come and gone from his wessding trip to the UK. So glad to have him back in this country!

-I was pregnant at the same time as 3 other of my precious friends. 2 out of those 3 have had their babies. Little Noelle is 5 weeks younger than LG, little Cora is 7 weeks younger than LG and we are waiting  on little Lydia who was due to make her apperance last monday! But when she comes she will only be 11 weeks younger than LG. 4 little girls all within 3 months of each other. Love it!

-My brother is getting married in December; the date was just announced!! super excited!

-My sister-in-law is getting married in April! Again, super excited!

-Rhys and I are all set and booked for our family of 4 to travel to the UK in December. 3.5 weeks in Europe, I am really looking forward to it.

Those are the highlights really....there will be more to come.

i really should get a membership

Eleri loves the zoo. I mean loves the zoo. We go about once a week on average. I keep thinking one day she will get tired of it, so I have not bought a membership yet. But at this point, the membership would have already paid for itself. I really should get one.

We went today in fact. It is the second time that just us girls have been since Lowri was born. I find that it is an easy outing for a 2.5 year old and a newborn. E gets to run around, play, see animals and generally act like a crazy person and I can be excited with her all while pushing a stroller. It really works out well for everyone. The only problem I have found so far is LG's feeding schedule. It is tough to find her for 30-45 minutes AND try and keep an eye on Eleri.

On another note, I just read through the part 2 of my UK vs US. Man! talk about bad writing. I would like to blame my exhaustion. I am so tired that it is a struggle to keep my eyes open most of the time. I was not aware that a person could actually be this tired. But sadly, that is no excuse. In fact, there is no excuse valid enough to explain the horrendous level of writing in the last post. Some sentences don't even make sense. I have said it before, but I really need to start proof reading.

I also need to start napping. Now seems like a good time to implement that plan.

The US vs the UK: Part 2

Disclaimer: There are details in this post, like stitches and contractions and internal monitors and underwear and even maternity pads. If you don't want to hear about that, then this is not the post for you!

Before I get into the part 2 of the US vs UK, I feel like I need to mention something. The first part of this story was MY story. It is what happened at MY birth. Awesome if you had a different experience. Sorry if you did not. But just because you had a great experience does not mean that I did. I am entitled to share my feelings/emotions/fears/joys just the same as you are. After posting the first part, I received several negative comments and emails from people who had delivered in the UK and had a positive experience. I am really pleased for those that did. But again, it does not mean that I did. Several of my dear friends have given birth in the exact same birthing centre and had a great experience. They had different midwives and in some cases their husbands were allowed to stay. I am glad it worked out well for them. One friend had a great experience in Scotland and another in central London. But that was not my story. It is nothing against the UK or even birthing centres. The very next blog post I wrote talked about how I was missing the UK. It was just how it happened. So please, get off my back. I am entitled to write about whatever I want. It is my blog. Stop being mean!

With that being said....

5am proved to be a very early start. One that Rhys and I were not quite prepared for. To make it on time to the hospital we needed to leave by 4:45.  Around 4:50 I was still making my breakfast smoothie and the car seat was not even in the car. It would be accurate to say that we procrastinate.

We made it, only 15 minutes late, and started the check in process. Talk about paperwork! Since everything is nationalised in the UK, aside from the maternity  notes you carry around with you during pregnancy, there is no paperwork. You get there, you get a room, done. Finally at 6:10 I was checked in, in bed, with an IV and the pitocin had started. We were ready for a baby!

At my last check up I was dilated to almost 4cm and was 80% effaced. Everyone, including myself, was prepared for a really quick labour and delivery. I was thinking that probably by noon little Lowri would be here. By 11am, the pitocin was up as high as they could make it go and nothing was happening. Nothing at all. I was having contractions, but nothing to write home about. Looking at the monitor, they were really nothing more than tiny, little hills. Rhys and I were watching tv shows, laughing and joking around. I knew that I was 'in labour' but as far as comfort levels go, I was just fine.

I had mentioned when I was first admitted that I wanted an epidural. The nurse said to wait until I had started progressing and the contractions were stronger so that way it would work during the delivery. That made sense to me, so I didn't really push the matter again. I figured that I would know when the contractions were actually strong enough, so I would just wait until then.

The doctor came in just after 11 and broke my water. I said that I was hoping for a baby by noon. He said at the rate I was going, he was hoping for a baby by noon the next day!! Seriously? I was crushed. When the doctor and nurse left the room, I broke down. I was sobbing to Rhys that everyone kept saying it would be so quick and it wasn't. I had mentally prepared myself for a fast labour and that was not happening. As the day wore on, I quickly realised that while I was mentally prepared for the birthing part of Eleri, I had not done the same for Lowri. Partly because I was freaking out about other things, but partly because I just assumed it would be super quick. That assumption made the rest of the afternoon difficult. Because it was not going quickly, I was discouraged. Rhys did his very best to keep my spirits up, but it had already been over 6 hours and I was no further along than when I was admitted!

The nurse came back in several times and still nothing really. The contractions were getting slightly stronger, but nothing that I thought was unmanageable. About 4pm, the nurse removed the external monitor and said they were switching to an internal monitor to really check the contractions and the baby. On a scale of 1 to 100, the contractions needed to be consistently close together and measuring between 70 to 100. Right now they were close together, but around 40. Again, breakdown. Why wasn't this baby coming!!!???! With the internal monitor, the doctor said that whatever showed on the machine was extremely accurate. Aside from me, it would be the best indicator to know when the baby was ready and when to get the epidural. Ok, I thought, I will just wait.

But then, oh man! One minute I was laughing with Rhys and the next minute- pain. Serious pain. The monitor was only registering contractions around 40 or 50. But I was really struggling. I kept saying to Rhys that I must have become a pansy. How did I manged to birth a nine and half pound baby naturally only two years ago, but couldn't even manage the early stages of labour now?! I was only at 4cm for goodness sake! She just checked, I wasn't dilated any further at all!! I had always considered myself to have a pretty high pain tolerance, but clearly I did not. I couldn't even make it through a few, mild contractions. I remember very clearly sitting int he bed, looking at the monitor and telling myslef it was a good thing that I didn't want to go naturally this time or I would have been really disappointed! It was intense, but because I didn't want to get an epidural too early, I just closed my eyes, laid down and tried my best to calmly breath through each contraction.

After about 30 minutes of what I thought was pretty intense pain, I told Rhys I couldn't really take it anymore. Inside I felt a little broken. I wanted to be strong and hold out until everything was really progressing, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted an epidural now regardless of what the nurses said. He went and got my nurse and when she came in she said that the doctor was on his way back up, but that he wanted to turn the pitocin off and give my body an hour to just rest. Then  the plan would be to start it up again and see if we could trick my body into going into labour. Fine, I said, but please can I have an epidural now? We debated this for a few minutes and finally as a last resort she checked me once again. Her mood completely changed.

The internal monitor had shifted ever so slightly.

From 5 to 5:30 I had gone from 4cm to 10cm. She left the room to call the doctor and I told Rhys I need to push. He was actually on the phone with my mom telling her that nothing was happening. He quickly changed his wording and got off the phone. They called a surgeon in who was on her way to preform a C-section and she quickly gave me an epidural shot at 5:40. Rhys says that they gave me a 'token epidural'. The shot was a tiny syringe and they only put half of the contents into one side of my back. That is not what was described to us as an epidural. But we were cutting it a bit close on time. I kept telling them I wanted to push. They kept saying no.

I asked how long until the epidural kicked in. The nurses hemmed and hawed for a bit, saying it should kick in a few minutes but I would have the full effect in 15 minutes.

The doctor came in, put his gloves and suit on, told me I could push and 9 minutes later Lowri was here. Too bad 9 minutes wasn't enough time for the epidural to kick in. The epidural that I had asked for ALL day. The epidural that everyone kept telling me to wait on. The epidural that meant I would not have to go through natural childbirth again. That epidural that didn't have enough time to work. Yeah, that one.

Lowri came out perfectly. Breathing, screaming, normal colour and so tiny compared to her sister. A light 7 lbs and 2 oz, and 18.5 inches long** But that is actually a pretty good sized baby for being a month early. Could you imagine how much she would have weighed if she had been allowed to stay in for another month!?!

While they were cleaning the baby, the doctor was giving me stitches and I could feel every single thing. Stitches without anaesthetic is not awesome. Even though I had had an epidural, they had to give me local anaesthetic for the stitches because the epidural had not kicked in yet. Awesome, it really was a pointless shot. (a pointless shot that cost me $208, but that is another story all together) During all of this, nurse came over and said that in all her years of being a labour and delivery nurse, she had never seen someone react to birth the way that I did. She said she had seen people scream, cuss, cry and not speak at all. But never, in her 14 years, had she heard someone calming turn to their husband and say over and over again "this is really uncomfortable" Apparently that made sense to me. I remember looking at Rhys the whole time. I remember telling him, over and over again, that it was really uncomfortable. But hey, it was! It hurt and I wanted my epidural!! However by this point, some 20 minutes after Lowri was born, my epidural had kicked in so we all had a good laugh about it.

One nurse took Lowri and cleaned her up and another couple came and quickly went to work cleaning me and the bed and changing everything. Because my epidural was in full effect, I really couldn't move. But they did everything and it was amazing! Rhys said that in the 30 minutes after giving birth, I received more help and attention than I did the entire time I was in the hospital in the UK. I was in a fresh gown, with clean sheets and all bandaged and wash up in no time at all. The nurses then wheeled me from the labour and delivery room to post room.

oh my, it was like a hotel. The hospital maternity ward had recently been renovated and everything was brand new. Big, spacious rooms with a bed for Rhys. Nice, comfy bed for me with electronically adjusting foot and head rests. As many pillows and blankets as I wanted. Plus a nurse on call for me at any moment and a separate nurse from the children's hospital on call for Lowri whenever. I could just phone over to the nursery and they would come and get her, bringing her back to me whenever she needed to eat. That was a wonderful service for the night time.

One of the most wonderful things was the 'products'  I remember being unsure about what to bring with me underwear and maternity pad wise in the UK. What I brought was uncomfortable and not really the best. This time around they provided everything. These giant underwear things, pads, cream, mini bath tubs for you to sit in. It was so nice and easy. Everything was right there at your finger tips. Plus, I was 100 times more comfortable as a result.

I had my own bathroom, Rhys could stay, we had access to food (that was pretty decent) whenever we wanted and I had visitors come, whenever I wanted. (and they brought me yummy food like Panera.) The nurses were so sweet and took time to answer all of my questions. And did I mention that Rhys got to stay. yeah, that was the best part. Plus instead of leaving after just 12 hours, we stayed in the hospital for 2 days which was really nice. A little break from the normal routine before jumping right back in, but with an extra person this time.

The two experiences are really incomparable. They are so night and day different that it is laughable. Yes, I had a better experience in the UK, but that really had nothing to do with the birth and everything to do with the aftermath. Ok, maybe not nothing. My labour was shorter this time and I only pushed for 9 minutes instead of 4 hours. That makes a big difference. But overall, the care and conditions post-birth made baby #2 MUCH easier than baby #1. While I am really pleased that I had a baby in London, I am so thankful that I had this one here. In mere days I was up and feeling fantastic. Now, 3 weeks on it is like nothing ever happened.

Nothing can take away from the experience of my first child. It is such a unique thing. I was so proud of myself for doing it naturally. Now, after number two, I am even more proud of myself of labouring again without anything and pretty much birthing a second child without pain relief. At least this one was only seven pounds instead of nine and half!!

Looking back, even though the two experiences were so different and even though the first time really was traumatic, I am so incredibly blessed. I have two wonderfully healthy children. What more could I ask for? I feel like I have experienced both ends of the spectrum, from one extreme to the other. But it makes for a good story. I am just glad they are both over and I can hang out with my little ones!



**As a side note, I think they measured her incorrectly. We went to the doctor 3 days after she was born and they measured her at 19.5 inches. Did she really grow an inch in 3 days? hmmm, probably not. So I think she was actually 19.5 born.

the tiny one

The tiny one is 3 weeks old. I can't believe that she is nearly a month old. But on the other hand, I can't believe that she has been with us that long. She is so tiny and so perfect and such a wonderful addition to our family.

As far as updates...

Tiny one is growing! she is 19.5 inches long and weighs 8lb, 2 oz now. an entire pound since she was born!

She eats every 4 hours during the day and 5-6 hours at night. I am SO pleased that the doctor said I could let her sleep at night. It was tough waking her up, making her eat. But ah, it is glorious when she goes 6 hours and I get almost a normal amount of sleep.

Lowri is fitting right into our lives. We are already out and about. My girls and I have already been to Target (serveral times) out to dinner, over to friends houses and even a trip to the zoo! A note to remember in the future....do not plan to go to the zoo right when the baby needs to eat. Hard to fed the baby AND watch a 2 year old during summer time at the zoo!

I gained 17 pounds during my pregnancy with LG. I have 7 left to lose. But, I was about 10-15 pounds heavier than I usually am when I first got pregnant, so I have about 17 pounds to lose instead. But overall, I feel great and am quite pleased with post pregnancy Kristina.

It is hard having 2 without Rhys around. We miss him desperatly and cant wait until he comes home!!

And now, pictures!!

 She was not too happy....

Only a few minutes old!

First family picture of all 4 of us! Tiny one is only 30 minutes old

me and the tiny one!

bathtime with daddy

sand time with sister

First Sunday to church, 2 weeks old. Matching big sister

And a few of big sister eleri...

withdrawls

There are lots of things I should be posting about instead. For example, part two of my US vs UK thoughts. I should also do an update of the tiny one who is 3 weeks old today, life with 2, like with 2 AND a husband overseas, and countless pictures. But instead I will post about my heart and mind and how I am going through withdrawal.

I think the word withdrawal makes like of the emotions. I am genuinely struggling with wanting to be here. I am desperately wishing that we were still in London. I love my kiddos, I love our house and our space and I love our friends, church and life here in Tulsa. I love being so close to my family. But the past few days my heart has been aching for my UK home.

Maybe it is because I just had another baby and my emotions are all over the place. Maybe it is because the last place I had a newborn was the UK, so I am comparing the two and reminiscing about the past. Maybe it is because Rhys is over there right now and I wish we all could be there together. Or maybe it is even all the talk of the Queen's Jubilee and the bit of me that wishes I was there because I love all the pomp and circumstance.

or maybe I just miss it.

But whatever the reason, my heart is sad. I have been looking back at all my pictures from our 4 years over there and I will admit, I have been crying. Just a little though, so don't judge. It was such a happy time for us, and it was so hard to leave, that when I look back I struggle to remember any of the bad things.

Sure the flat was tiny. And yes, everything was really expensive. But we had so much fun! and we had such amazing friends and such an incredible community. Looking through the old pictures I am flooded with some of the best memories of my life. and that makes me miss it even more.

so that's where I am today. Hurting heart and missing the UK.

The US vs the UK: Part 1

In the weeks leading up to the birth of Lowri to say that I was nervous would be an understatement. It's funny because looking back I was not really nervous at all about Eleri. I knew my options, or lack thereof, and I had genuinely convinced myself that it would not be that bad. I read books on natural childbirth, went to classes,watched videos, and then read some more books. I really felt prepared.

The truth of the matter was simple. On one hand I could have as much pain relief as I wanted. But an epidural also came with a stay on the 'ward' side of the hospital. Two to a birthing suite and then 6 women plus their babies to a room. The UK does not have a fancy nursery for babies that you can call whenever you want and they will come get your child. Nope, baby stays with mom 100% of the time. Or, on the other hand, I could have a private room to give birth in, a private room to stay in and a private bathroom in the birthing center. But no pain relief. Ok, I take that back. 'Gas and Air' was offered, which is nitrous oxide, but i could never grasp the breathing/sucking on the mask, carrying the big tube around and dealing with contractions. To me it was an easy decision. Private room. Birthing center. Natural birth. Not a question.

But this time around was different. Because of the complications I knew I was going to have to be induced a month early. It made sense that if I was going to be medically induced then there was really no point in going natural after that. I may as well opt for the epidural. So that was my plan. Easy right? You would think that after giving birth to a nine and half pound baby naturally I would have no qualms about an epidural on what was almost guaranteed to be a much smaller baby.

But I was scared. Really scared.

It was one third scared of the unknown and two thirds terrified of the aftermath. I had no idea what an epidural would be like. Would it work? Would I feel anything? Would I have back pain or headache issues afterwards? I didn't know what to expect and that was making me nervous. But mostly I was having serious anxiety about the hours and days following the birth.

I had no idea just how traumatic Eleri's birth had been to me until Lowri's got closer. When I looked back, I thought about the labour part. Granted that was not the most fun I have ever had, but it was manageable. So I had convinced myself that whilst it was different in the UK, it wasn't really all that bad and I had been just fine.  But it was what happened afterwards that really scared me. E was born at 8:08 pm.  Hospital visiting hours were over at 8. They let Rhys and my mom stay for about an hour afterwards. They brought in tea and toast, because that is all you are allowed after birth, and when we finished the midwives said it was time for them to go. I had gone through 22 hours of labour in the most interesting, and painful, positions possible. My baby came out dark purple and not breathing. She was breathing by this point, but still fairly dark in colour. My arms were so weak that I could not pick her up. I was bleeding profusely- quite possibly from having to walk down the hall to get stitches and then walk back to my room. I had already soaked through my sheets twice. I was mentally, physically and emotionally spent. And now my husband and mother were being told to leave and here I was alone. Alone with a baby that wasn't even 2 hours old.

I love Eleri so much that it hurts, so hear my heart when I write this- that first night alone with E was without a doubt the worst night of my entire life. She screamed and I couldn't calm her down. She wanted to eat and I couldn't get her to latch on. I fainted twice when I got up to go to the bathroom. I bled through my sheets again, and when I called up to the midwife desk to ask for new sheets, they brought some in, put them on a chair and said I could change them when I got a chance. I couldn't do it; I tired, but my muscles wouldn't work. I laid in bloody sheets all night. (to be fair, they did change them about 6 the next morning when they came in and slipped in the pool of blood that had gathered under my bed)

I was terrified and exhausted and all alone. I did not have a clue what to do. I called Rhys and my mom countless times, but there was nothing they could do. Visiting hours were over and they were not allowed back in. The midwives were understaffed and had to see to the women giving birth. I was completely on my own. I know I have blogged about this before, but at one point Eleri was crying so much, and I was so broken and at a loss that I summoned every last bit of strength I had, picked her up, and walked around the room, sobbing and reciting Bible verses to her over and over. I couldn't think of anything else to do. I was miserable.

Rhys stood outside of the ward doors for about 2 hours the next morning buzzing, asking to be let in. When he was finally allowed in, they released me to go home- almost exactly 12 hours on the dot after E was born. I could barely stand, let alone walk but I somehow managed to hobble to the car.  Once I got home, I was so shattered from the birth and that first night, that I was pretty much useless for weeks. Literally weeks. I struggled to do anything, I was an emotional wreck. I had nightmares about waking up alone, with just the baby. I even struggled to want to be around E for a while. I was traumatised.

Obviously things evened out and most of the horrid details of the aftermath were shut away somewhere else in my brain. But as the birth of Lowri got closer, those memories came flooding back with such a force that I nearly lost it.

Rhys and I talked about it constantly; how all of the things I was fearful of were circumstantial. He would be allowed to stay, the room would be private regardless, I would not have to bring in my own sheets, towels, pillows etc... There was a nursery for Lowri if I needed a break, the bed was not a metal frame without a mattress at the head, and the nurses in the US actually helped you with things like bleeding and sheet changing. I knew all of those things in my head, but I had a hard time believing that. I made Rhys promise multiple times a day that he wouldn't leave. And I packed extra things in my hospital bag just in case it wasn't as glorious as everyone said it would be.

Rhys told me to stop comparing the two. But the only other place I have given birth is the UK, it was the only experience I had to fall back on. The more I thought about Eleri's birth (aftermath) the more I feared Lowri's.

But the day came regardless. 12 May, 5am sharp at the hospital to be induced. It was a strange feeling, but also an completely unavoidable situation. The baby had to come out, and soon. So here I was, facing labour, delivery and recovery once again.