i must be wearing a sign

there must a sign. a really bright, flashing neon sign hanging around me neck...that is of course invisible to me. but clearly visible to everyone else. and the sign must say, "offer me parenting advice or skip the advice and just tell me i am a bad mom". negative, yet quite vocal, people seem to be drawn to me for some reason. and it is not as awesome as you might think.

today i gave ele a peanut butter and honey sandwich. i wanted to give her peanut butter and jelly but i didnt have any jelly. i know, i know, honey is full of sugar. but i buy only by 100% natural, straight from the bee type honey, so it was all natural sugar. and i only gave her a little. she gobbled down the entire sandwich in record time.

and then i discovered thanks to a near by parent that children under 1 are not suppose to have honey due to the bacteria that occurs. and said bacteria occurs more often in the all natural honey. awesome, i have poisoned my child. and i continued on to discover that you should only give kids the smooth peanut butter.

the peanut butter was crunchy. full of nuts.

that could make me a bad mom.

i also like to let eleri explore. she pretty much has free reign of everything. i do not want to dampen her curiosity. plus i dont think it is realistic to remove everything that could potentially be dangerous from her reach. she has to live in the real world and the real world is not baby proof. so i leave a few "dangerous" things out so she can leave the meaning of the world no. and so she can also learn to obey. also so she can learn how to behave when we are out of our own home and in the homes of others. homes that are not baby proof. so she mostly has free reign. and i think it adorable to watch he scoot/crawl/walk to whatever thing has caught her eye. lately, its been grass. e loves the grass. i take her socks and shoes off and let her go all over the place. she giggles and smiles and i usually stop her when she tries to eat the grass. but hey, a little grass never hurt anyone right?

and then someone was kind enough to point out that her toes were cut/raw. why you ask?

because i let her crawl around barefoot. all the time.

that could also make me a bad mom.

but i prefer to use the term laid back. or relaxed.

a stranger, who was apparently watching me and e interact at the park, came up and told me that i was "rather non-chalant" with my child. i took that as a nice way of saying laid back. whether that was what she meant or not! aside from deadly sandwiches and bleeding toes, there is no real harm in being relaxed.

when i first had e, i would not let anyone touch her. seriously, anyone. it was a struggle to give her over to my mom and then it was only because i was so physically tired i needed the break. but outside of family, no one (and i mean NO ONE) was allowed to touch the baby. i remember one time when eleri was about 3 months old we went to a friends house and her mother was there. she came over to admire e and before i knew what had happened she had picked e out of my arms and was holding her. a stranger was holding my baby. i started hyperventaliating. seriuosly. it was a major panic attack. so much so that after about 2 minutes rhys had to make up some excuse and get the baby back. no one was allowed to touch my baby.

which also meant that i didnt let anyone help me. i felt alone, scared, isolated and very overwhelemed. i was so up tight about anyone else being around eleri that i stressed myself out so unnecessarily. after the nearly fatal incident at our frineds, i slowly began to realise i was crazy. so very crazy. and i needed to relax.

and relax i have. perhaps a bit to the other extreme, but i would much rather that. ele makes friends wherever she goes because i allow her to interact with other children and adults. she is learning great social skills and learning by exploring. i never want to reign in her curiosity. so if that makes me a bad mom, then so be it.

little e thinks i am great! :)