peace in the gaza strip or a blond baby?

all weekend the same thought has been plaguing my mind. what if i have an ugly baby. I am not one to immediately agree that all babies are cute. some are not. yes, i realise that sounds awful to say out loud, but come on people, not all babies are cute! I have been obsessing with the idea that my baby may turn out not as perfect as the image i have in my head. blond hair, blue eyes, nice even skin (not the red blotchy-ness that I inherited from my dad) healthy, beautiful, perfect. unrealistic. I have tried to remind my myself that it doesn’t really matter if my baby has blond hair and blue eyes, i will love it anyway. i cannot control anything about the appearance or health of my baby. and in no way should those things determine my love for it anyway. I am not sure if it is just me and my irrational thoughts, or if it is a common thread in pregnancy, but i am thinking some awful, unreasonable thoughts of late.

so whilst i sat there and pondered the thought of having an ugly baby, i was reminded of Eliot He was a truly beautiful baby. An amazing baby. and i started to cry. I am sitting at my desk at work, tears running down my face. humbled. embarrassed. not because all my co-workers are staring, but because I was that selfish and that obnoxious as to think blond hair was a necessity.

it weird because from the second i found out i was pregnant, i started smiling. granted that smile has come and gone from day to day depending how much time i spend with my head in the toilet, but the joy that i felt that day has not left. but along with that joy, doubt has started to creep in. me trying to take control from God and decide the future for myself. this only results in fear, questions, anxiety, and for lack of a better word, foolishness. The Lord has blessed Rhys and I with this gift of a child. we accept that this little boy or girl will be given to us exactly how God intends. health or not, blond hair or not...whatever comes i must trust in the Lord. Obsessing over anything else is me, taking my eyes off of the Lord, losing trust and accepting fear and doubt as a way to live.

after reading through eliot's old blog another thought hit me. When i spend my time and effort thinking and praying for blond hair, (yeah, praying for a hair colour. how sad is that?!) i lose sight of what is going on around me. the things in life that actually demand my time and attention. things like the conflict with Israel and the Gaza Strip. I have some dear friends who live around the area. what will life be like for them and their friends directly affected by the death and destruction? what is our duty as followers of Jesus in response to this situation? prayer is a necessary first step. actually necessary. not like the 'need for blond hair' but a true necessity. we are to pray for peace. those are things that truly require my attention.

this is not to say that for the next 7 months of pregnancy I will never again think a foolish thought or freak out. But it is to say that I will try to keep a realistic perspective. there is more to life than being pregnant and having the perfect baby. there is a big world out there. one that requires Rhys and I to spend time praying on being Godly parents, preparing our hearts to raise a child, remembering those around us who have so graciously and wonderfully done it before, remembering the 'real' world events. praying for our country, our leaders, our world.

when it comes right down to it, despite my wishes for blond hair and blue eyes, i would rather raise a child that seeks the heart of the Lord, that loves people, that understands the issues around and has a true desire to do something about it, than a child who desires to look perfect and stay clean. I am excited to see what little baby comes my way. and in the meantime, I am extremely grateful for the reality check that has been given to me.

a list, some vomit, and a baby.

yeah, its been a while. In my defence I have done nothing for the past few weeks but vomit, cry, moan about the crying and the throwing up and then do both some more. I am pregnant. 12 weeks. and whilst it is a beautiful and wondrous miracle, I am sick. all the time. It never ends. So sick that i will forever have NO picture memories of anything that happened between the dates of 10 November and apparently now, 5 January. I went to America for Thanksgiving, celebrated my adorable nephew’s 5th birthday with him, great American family time, saw friends, spent time with Jamie and Laura in Boston, had Christmas in Wales, adorable niece Nia, New Years Eve party with the Rice's et. al....But NO pictures of anything. why? because it was a struggle to actually make it to all of those things, let alone keep my head out of the toilet long enough to take a picture of two. sad, but true. no photographic memories of the first 3 months of my pregnant life.

I am still sick, but I have renewed hope that come next week, the dawn of the 13th week, there will be no sickness. i am hoping for a miracle. today however there is a slight ease in my throwing up. By 'ease' I mean I have only thrown up 6 times this morning so I have some free time to sit at my computer and write a blog entry. so here I go.

I was planning on having a '2009 To Do List' post. I am a big fan of lists. I make lists for pretty much everything. Rarely do I follow my lists, but I enjoy making them all the same. I have actually been working on a 2009 list for quite a while. Things I wanted to accomplish for the new year. But then i found out i was pregnant...and that list had to change. There are now only 4 things on that list.

1. Learn to be a good Mom
2. Go to Greece before the baby is born
3. Gain some weight. (with all the throwing up I have actually lost 14 pounds. this is the one time in my life where I think losing that weight is awful!)
4. Move to a place that has more than one room.

But a list cant just have 4 things. I feel that is a really wimpy list. So I have decided to make a new list of all the cool (and not so cool) things my baby has already done. Because I knew our kid would be cool, I just didn’t know how cool the kid would be already. Oh, and this is in order of occurrence.

1. Had some pints in celebration of Guy Fawkes Day....Ok, ok I didn’t know I was pregnant and I have been reassured by doctors there are no problems as a result! (don’t judge people....I know how you are)
2. Ran a Half Marathon
3. Got pneumonia
4. got over pneumonia with no problems. Tough baby
5. saw the Stereophonics live.
6. Been to Millennium Stadium to see Wales v South Africa.
7. Flew to America.
8. Toured around Boston.
9. Hit all the major sites of London
10. Already lived in two different years
11. been on the top bit of the classic two story red bus.
and coming soon....
12. end of January work trip to a spa in Arizona
13. 6 nations games in Cardiff
14. shopping with mom in Tulsa

See that is one cool baby! and since that list actually has more than 4 things on it, I feel it is a better representation of a list. and to conclude the list and the post, I have included a picture of my favourite Christmas gift. Mini Welsh Rugby kit. thanks husband....you knew just what I wanted! :) (no sarcasm people, this really is just what i wanted!)

i am so tired

yup. so tired i have no words. that is why there has been only sporadic blogging lately. in fact i am so tired that i just went to am empty office at work, laid down ON THE DESK, set my alarm for 30 minutes later and took a nap. probably not work appropriate. but i am SO tired.

Christmas Time

I cant believe it is Christmas time already! Seriously? where did this year go? I always remember my parents saying that years flew by, and i used to think? really? i don’t think so... crazy old people. But I completely understand where they are coming from. The years do fly by. and I can believe it is Christmas already.

And, after really loads of blog posts about Christmas trees and decorations, hearing Christmas carols, seeing lights up everywhere... I finally decided it was time to get in the holiday spirit and I have decorated our flat. Out came the Rat Pack Christmas CD and up went the tree. and whilst these decorations in no way compare to Katie (whose tree is my favourite by far) here you go. our Christmas decorations...

I took an up close picture in an attempt to fool every one into thinking our tree is huge. In fact, it is only 19 inches tall...

this is our tree in its entirety. try not to be jealous people.

i do really like this little jar of gold balls and red beaded coasters. i think its a nice touch.

and last but not least, the santa tray.

you gotta love kids...

Can you imagine being the teacher in the class who had this picture presented to them? nice.

a positive thought about the NHS

yeah, hard to believe I know. But yesterday, for the first time in my entire life (well entire life that I have lived under the NHS) I have a positive thing to say about it. Here is the story.

I went to the doctor last week when I was in Tulsa, I wasn’t feeling so hot. They said if it got worse, they could call in a prescription and I could pick it up in Boston as that is where I am this week. Well, I held off as long as possible, but yesterday the point came where I thought it best to get the medicine, especially before I went back to the UK. So the doctor called the pharmacy here in Boston and when I called to see if it was ready for pick up, the conversation went something like this:

Me: Hi, someone called in a prescription for Kristina Williams. Is it ready?

Pharmacy Lady: ah, let me see.... oh yes, here it is. Oh wait, I don’t seem to have your insurance information.

Me: oh its ok. I live in the UK, so I don’t have insurance in America. I will just pay for it.

Pharmacy Lady: really? its quite expensive.

me: ok...how much is quite expensive? (i am thinking $80 or $90)

Pharmacy lady: well the total is $509.99.

Me: WHAT?!! $509.99?!? That’s FIVE HUNDRED AND NINE DOLLARS??! Is that what you said?

Pharmacy Lady: Yes, I did say it was quite expensive.

Me: uh yeah....no thanks. I think I will pass on the medicine.

Enter the NHS. On the National Health Service prescriptions are £7. that’s right. they are all SEVEN POUNDS! not $509.99, but £7 If I was in the UK I could have bought that prescription. Granted, they probably would not have actually prescribed it to me because they don’t actually like it when you see a doctor (if you actually get to see one) but all the same. prescriptions are at a fixed rate. and that is nice. that is also the only nice thing i will ever say about the NHS. I was not made for socialism people.

As it turns out, Walgreens has a 'prescription insurance plan' where if you do not have insurance any where else, and are not on any other kinds of benefits, then you can pay $20 a year and get all your prescriptions with them on their insurance. That made my prescription on $55.98. So I did that instead. Now I am covered for a year. nice. I got my medicine and, according to my receipt, I saved $454.01. insane!

oh america

How I love you. as far back as I can remember I have said I wanted to live overseas. i think it was the idea of an exotic land, a culture different to mine own, a new language; it was the pull of an adventure. Now, roughly two years of life in the UK and there is a new pull. America. perhaps it is just the holiday season, thanksgiving food, leaves with loads of colour, Christmas lights and the promise of snow. perhpas it is that the last two weeks i have been in America, the sun has been brightly shining every day. that’s right, SUN EVERY DAY! i was beginning to question the existence of the sun in the UK. here, there is no doubt. the sun exist and comes out every day to bring comfort and joy. i miss the sun.

I miss my family, being in the same time zone as my friends, i miss chick-fil-a, loafin joes, big SUV's, super wal-mart, free drink refills, QT, affordable petrol, affordable anything really. I miss america. I never want to be one of those people who thinks America is the best and that all the other countries suck. One of those obnoxious Americans who constantly pits every experience against life in the US, coming to the same conclusion every time-America is the best. But.... lets be frank here people, America is pretty damn good.

So here I am, sitting in my companies corporate office in Boston, Mass gazing out the window into the glorious sunshine, wishing that this was my home office instead of rainy, windy, cold UK.