all weekend the same thought has been plaguing my mind. what if i have an ugly baby. I am not one to immediately agree that all babies are cute. some are not. yes, i realise that sounds awful to say out loud, but come on people, not all babies are cute! I have been obsessing with the idea that my baby may turn out not as perfect as the image i have in my head. blond hair, blue eyes, nice even skin (not the red blotchy-ness that I inherited from my dad) healthy, beautiful, perfect. unrealistic. I have tried to remind my myself that it doesn’t really matter if my baby has blond hair and blue eyes, i will love it anyway. i cannot control anything about the appearance or health of my baby. and in no way should those things determine my love for it anyway. I am not sure if it is just me and my irrational thoughts, or if it is a common thread in pregnancy, but i am thinking some awful, unreasonable thoughts of late.
so whilst i sat there and pondered the thought of having an ugly baby, i was reminded of Eliot He was a truly beautiful baby. An amazing baby. and i started to cry. I am sitting at my desk at work, tears running down my face. humbled. embarrassed. not because all my co-workers are staring, but because I was that selfish and that obnoxious as to think blond hair was a necessity.
it weird because from the second i found out i was pregnant, i started smiling. granted that smile has come and gone from day to day depending how much time i spend with my head in the toilet, but the joy that i felt that day has not left. but along with that joy, doubt has started to creep in. me trying to take control from God and decide the future for myself. this only results in fear, questions, anxiety, and for lack of a better word, foolishness. The Lord has blessed Rhys and I with this gift of a child. we accept that this little boy or girl will be given to us exactly how God intends. health or not, blond hair or not...whatever comes i must trust in the Lord. Obsessing over anything else is me, taking my eyes off of the Lord, losing trust and accepting fear and doubt as a way to live.
after reading through eliot's old blog another thought hit me. When i spend my time and effort thinking and praying for blond hair, (yeah, praying for a hair colour. how sad is that?!) i lose sight of what is going on around me. the things in life that actually demand my time and attention. things like the conflict with Israel and the Gaza Strip. I have some dear friends who live around the area. what will life be like for them and their friends directly affected by the death and destruction? what is our duty as followers of Jesus in response to this situation? prayer is a necessary first step. actually necessary. not like the 'need for blond hair' but a true necessity. we are to pray for peace. those are things that truly require my attention.
this is not to say that for the next 7 months of pregnancy I will never again think a foolish thought or freak out. But it is to say that I will try to keep a realistic perspective. there is more to life than being pregnant and having the perfect baby. there is a big world out there. one that requires Rhys and I to spend time praying on being Godly parents, preparing our hearts to raise a child, remembering those around us who have so graciously and wonderfully done it before, remembering the 'real' world events. praying for our country, our leaders, our world.
when it comes right down to it, despite my wishes for blond hair and blue eyes, i would rather raise a child that seeks the heart of the Lord, that loves people, that understands the issues around and has a true desire to do something about it, than a child who desires to look perfect and stay clean. I am excited to see what little baby comes my way. and in the meantime, I am extremely grateful for the reality check that has been given to me.