17 November 2010

so this will have to do

i have stared at a blank computer screen for several days now. even my journal remains empty. the words are not coming. i should rephrase that; the words i want to write are not coming. my thoughts are full of negativity and self pity. full of the emotions and words that i dont not want recognise with an entry. here or in the journal.

i feel discouraged. at first i thought i was sad. then angry. then lonely. but what it really comes down to is discouragement. it is like i fell down and instead of helping me up, every person that walks by kicks me instead. i am just discouraged with life, our circumstances, and my injury. i feel trapped.

i dont want to continually focus on the negative. i dont want to repeat destructive and discouraging words over and over so that they become my reality instead of the positive, truth of the situation. but i am having a hard time recognising anything but the pain, hurt and frustration of the day to day living. things could be worse, and they are worse for a lot of people out there. but this is my reality; and the world in which i live my daily life is getting me down.

not depressed. not hopeless. just discouraged.

so instead of an exciting post, i will leave with these things. i have re-done my blog reading list on the side of the page. woo hoo. excitement right?

and even with a grumpy, discouraged wife, my husband is pleasant, upbeat and very encouraging. he is awesome.


Lani said...

Something I am learning here is that sadness unlocks more life!. That un-grieved wounds control our lives. I say to you my Friend, feel it May you have the freedom to feel it all. We live in a fallen world, with many negative things, and I think the right response to discouragement would be sadness, anger, etc. discouragement is hard.

I just posted a similar blog on mine. So your not alone in feeling like life is kicking you.

Hope my words don't sound bossy. I so appreciate your willingness to share the true parts of your heart and your life.

I guess my Banner I have decided to carry is.
"Christians don't Lament enough"

now you make me want to blog, .... hum maybe I will

Katie said...

Oh friend, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Discouragement is entirely frustrating because we feel undercut--cheated, in a way, when we want to feel joy. I love you and I'm thinking of you this day, this day that the Lord has made. My prayer is that He will show you a way to rejoice, and be glad in it.

(Even if you are still 99% discouraged and 1% glad. A little gladness can go a long way. :) )

Sohailah said...

I must have missed something. Because last I checked, you had just accomplished some pure amazement - in SPITE of an horrific injury.

p.s. Drove by the exit to JBU Sunday on my way to the Ozarks, and Tuesday on my way back. This inspired some Kristina stories for Steve.

Love you!