22 October 2008

"Oklahoma....that sounds exciting!" (and some other stuff)

Last night someone actually said that to me. "Wow, Oklahoma, that sounds exciting!" That is the first, and i venture to say the last, time that someone will ever make that statement about Oklahoma. This particular woman said that it inspired all kinds of warm, country, down home thoughts. well...I suppose that is true. those kinds of thoughts do come with Oklahoma, but excitement and fun? Probably not the first thing that comes to mind.

Although sometimes the first things that comes to mind are not always the best. Take my most recent example. About 30 minutes ago I was at the hair salon to get my bangs trimmed a bit. I was chatting away to Rachel, my 'stylist', and the following sentence actually came out of my mouth "so, have you been busy all up in here" seriously. I said that. "...busy all up in here" what in the world was I thinking? Clearly I wasn’t because if I had thought for just a few moments and not said the first thing that came to mind, that particular sentence would not have come out. It created a rather awkward, albeit slightly humorous, few moments as Rachel tried to merely answer the question without bursting out laughing. which she did anyway at which I turned beat red and said i had not idea where that came from. Stupid first thought.

I have had some more normal thoughts lately though. Probably because with this ridiculous Victorian ailment that has kept me homebound for the last week and a half, i have had nothing to do but think. In the past 7 days I have left the house 3 times. But as of this morning, I am officially cleared to go out in public again. I am no longer confined to my couch. Although becoming a couch potato did have its benefits. For instance, I have caught up on all the episodes I missed of The O.C. and One Tree Hill. I had never actually watched either of those shows before, but now I am strangely sucked in. Sad I know, but what else was there to do?

Nothing, except think. And think I did. and slept and wrote and ate. but mostly I thought. and as a result I have some 'confessions' as it were. They are as follows:

1. I call Rhys obsessively. Not in the ‘I am jealous and must know where you are at all times’ kind of way, but more the ‘I still cant believe you actually married me, I love you so much I want to talk to you all the time’ kind of way. But it’s still obsessive. For example, Friday and Monday I stayed home. I didn’t leave the house at all those days. I called Rhys a total of 14 times in those 2 days. And if that wasn’t excessive enough, it's not even an accurate estimate because it doesn’t account for the number of times I called him from the house phone. So yes, obsessive. (as a side note, he does call me too! Just so I don’t look too pathetic)

2. I have no idea where I want to live. Watching the O.C. makes me want to live in Southern California. Gilmore Girls makes me want to live in small town Connecticut. Looking at apartments make me want to live in San Francisco. Movies make me want to live in London, talking to friends makes me want to live in London. Looking at houses makes me want to live in Fayetteville. Rugby, mini rugby and baby Welsh kit makes me want to live in Cardiff. See? I really have no idea. I know what you are thinking; you are sick and have watched too many cheesy teen shoes. True, but haven’t I reached that stage where I should know? Friends of mine have bought houses, people have children, my friends have families and are putting down roots for goodness sake. But me? I am still floating along, dreaming of a town where I can walk in the sunshine, ride my bike with a wicker basket on front, get fresh veggies from the farmers market, go to a show, have a pint at the local pub, sit out by the beach and say to hi to everyone that passes because I know everyone in town and watch all the rugby I want. Pretty much I just combined all the things that I like about the aforementioned cities into one, which probably doesn’t exist. So what do I do then? I still have no idea. And I feel very strongly that I am past that age where I should be equally clueless and influenced by The O.C!

3. Which brings me to confession three. I am idealistic to a fault. I get an idea in my head, think it is logical, and fight for it to become reality. Most of the time its not realistic or logical. and most of the time i choose to ignore that completely and recklessly pursue my goals and dreams that are always a bit far out of reach. Of course its good to set goals, and every one has their dreams. But believing that the lottery is a viable way to build a future? probably not the smartest. thing is, some days i really believe that! I tend to convince myself that the craziest things could actually happen. I am still waiting for Rhys to come home one day and say we are moving to Australia. So I guess the real confession is that my idealism sometimes gets in the way of living real life. I push so hard for the idea of fun and fancy free that sometimes the normal and mundane seem unbearable. Someone once told me I needed to find the balance in life. At the time I told him he was stupid and didn’t know what he was talking about. But he was right. Balance is something I have never been good which is really unfortunate as it is such a crucial part of everyday life.

4. I want to be a rock chick/loner/hippie. I am not sure if you can really combine all of those, but if you can, that is the personae I want. Married, working in the corporate world, aged 26 creates a bit of a problem for an entire recreation of person, but if I could i would become a rock chick/hippie. Think a mixture of a female Eric Clapton, UK x-factor Diana, bits of Nicole Ritchie, and a little bit of early Alanis Morissette. Enter the new Kristina. I would be a long haired, guitar playing, off beat, tattooed rocker. how long does it take to get dreadlocks? Long enough for me to learn to play the guitar?

5. I am a VERY unhealthy eater. I try to pretend I am not, but I am. I eat crap. Sometimes, when Rhys makes me, I eat vegetables. But that is rare. I know I should eat a better variety, I keep saying I am going to change. But I never do. I still eat crap. I still hate vegetables.

They always say the first step in fixing a problem is admitting you have one. So I am admitting it all here. I call Rhys obsessively, I often choose to not live in reality, I am 26 and still have no idea what to do or where to live, I am easily influenced by T.V. shows, I want to be a hippie and I eat crap food. Ah! So much better. Now to change the world….

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