a bit emotional and really disappointed

i have always been a bit over emotional. it doesn’t take much to make me cry. just ask anyone who has ever watched tv with me before. cheesy commercial about kids. tears. appeal to support abused dogs. tears running down my face. appeal to stop child abuse. quivering lip, floods of tears. Sylvan Learning commercial. uncontrollable sobbing. its true. and its very sad.

normally i have a pretty difficult time controlling the tears, let alone trying to control it whilst pregnant and even emotionally unbalanced. I could be walking through the train station and a sudden burst of tears springs to my eyes. why? not really sure. perhaps it was the advertisement on the wall that showed a woman smiling, holding a stick of gum. I could be in the middle of a sentence, talking to a friend, when suddenly my voice cracks, my chin starts to quiver and my eyes well up with tears just waiting to overflow down my checks. why? because she just mentioned that she saw a puppy for sale that was kind of scrawny and she doubted that anyone would take him home. clearly worthy of an emotional outburst. again, its sad. I know.

so here I am, sitting at my desk at work. in a very crowded office might I add...with tears pouring down my checks. I can’t stop it. The more I try, I more I cry. Going to the bathroom until said outburst subsides would be a good plan right? Except that would involve walking by EVERYONE in the entire office. as it stands now there are a few who have yet to noticed the crying girl in the corner. i would like to keep it that way. so here i am, stuck at my desk, desperately trying to hide behind my computer screen, all the while internally screaming at myself to pull it together.

Why all the tears you ask? I actually have a valid reason. ok, ok. not valid in the sense of a family death or third world hunger, but valid in my "i am pregnant and really disappointed way" I signed up for an NCT pre-natal class. I was really excited about this as i have been told that NCT classes are the best. everyone over here seems to recommend them. I have always wanted to be pregnant, turned out a bit different than I expected granted, but still. Pregnancy and everything related to it is something that i have really looking forward to. pre-natal classes included. all the movies and TV shows make them seem so great. and since movies and TV are reality, well who wouldn’t look forward to the classes!? So Rhys and I signed up. got the acceptance, paid the fee. And then I noticed the problem. Rhys and I are going to America for one last trip before the airlines ban me from flying due to the giant bump that will be protruding out of me. We are going for 2 weeks in April. The two weeks that we will be in America are the FRIST two weeks of the pre-natal classes. WHAt?! really?! those exact weeks?! yup. there are only 6 classes too, which means Rhys and I will miss out on 1/3 of the crucial pregnancy, birthing and child care information. not to mention the other people. i was so excited about meeting other couples, in our area, who were expecting. we only really know the rugby team. (which I love, don’t get me wrong) but i want to know some mom's too. but now I feel like all my dreams of pregnancy have come crashing to the floor, and are laying all around in tiny, shattered pieces of brokenness. (pregnancy also makes me more dramatic. what can i say? its true)

so the tears are gushing down my checks. still. Even now. i have even tried to be sufficiently sarcastic in this post in an attempt to realise my stupidity at the massive tears at work, but to no avail. i am crying all the same. and still bitterly disappointed that I will miss the first 2 of my pre-natal classes. almost makes me want to react really dramatically, cancel my plane tickets to the states and just stay here instead. almost.