30 March 2010

a lot to think about

there are so many things that i want to write about. for example, i would love to devote entire posts to:

-how staying home with ele has been so incredibly different, and more amazing, and more challenging, and more fulfilling that i ever could have imagined

-how living in europe has changed me

-how i have two new tattoos coming soon

-why i must start each day with diagnois murder

-how much i LOVE Christian Dior mascara

-how i feel it is a necessity to live by the sea/ocean/giant body of water at all times. i have no desire to live in a city again if it is not centered around water.

-how stupid obama and his health care plans really are.

-how much i want a pinate for e's first birthday (yes, i am thinking about her birthday already)

and the list goes on and on and on and on....but, i am not going to post about any of those things. i am rather tempted to write a few paragraphs about how wonderfully amazing Dior mascara is, but that probably wouldnt appeal to my male readers as much. so instead i will write about change.

lots of changes are happening with team williams. some are major and some are minor, but within the next five months big things will be happening. waves of emotions are washing over me, even as i write this. there is a lot to anticipate, but a lot to fear at the same time. granted, the bag of english chedder and red onion crisps i am eating right now are helping a bit, but no amount of baked yumminess can take away all of my anxieity. i never imagined myself as the type of person that needed to be in control. i know i am not the most laid back person in the world, but if i had to pick one or the other, i would say i lean towards the 'easy going' instead of 'uptight control freak'. But as the changes begin and things become more challenging and less certain, i find myself longing for the ability to control the future. and i cant. i have absolutelty no control over tomorrow, let alone five months from now. and for the first time i can remember, that is making me very nervous.

i feel fairly certain in saying that i crave change more than the average person. its a quality that i have always had. between the time i started school and left for unvieristy, i changed schools 7 times. all but one of those was my choice. I wanted to change schools because i liked the new enviornment. i like meeting new people and i looked forward to the challeneges. those are the same reasons i love to travel and i so desperately wanted to live overseas. i have always been like that, always looking for something different.

but for some reason when i look at what these next few months hold, i am NOT looking forward to all the changes. i want to know exactly what the future holds. and there is no possible way that i can. normally that would be ok, but for some reason its not now. i have a very dear friend who has recently undergone some of the same changes. and i dont envy the difficulties i have seen her go through. but i am glad that she is out there paving the way. (thanks kb, really appreciate it)

the point is, sometimes things are just difficult. and right now not being able to see the future is proving a bit difficult. however, i dont want to make it seem like everything is doom and gloom because its not. so i will leave you all with this, my daughter barefoot and in a straw hat. does it get any better than this?


kym brinkley said...

:) you can do it! I know you can. He knows you can. fact.

Katie said...

I loved this post. I love reading about your life--everything from Dior to changes. It all matters because it's all YOU. I pray that you can find peace through these changes and view this next phase as a great adventure. And oh my word, that daughter of yours in a straw hat is absolutely the cutest thing ever.