today on the way home from church i burst into tears. at first a few rolled quietly down my cheeks. then a few more in quick succession. soon they were coming at waterfall speed and there was nothing i could do to stop it. and it all started because i didnt want to eat 'sunday dinner'
we dont so 'sunday roast dinner' in america the way they do in Britain. it is more or less a thanksgiving meal every sunday. every. single. sunday. big roast beef/chicken/lamb, several different types of potatoes, veggies, bread, and loads of thick, brown gravy. and while this will come as a shock to practically every british person i know, i do not like sunday dinner. i just dont. i want olive garden on a sunday. all you can eat soup and salad. or a nice trip to On the Border. heck, even home made fajitas would be fantastic. but not another dinner. However, everyone in the williams household loves sunday dinner (rhys especially) and my mother-in-law slaves away in the kitchen all morning and afternoon making the trimmings. enough for two days. so sunday dinner becomes monday dinner. i am starting to tear up just thinking about it. (seriously, its pathetic, i know)
the root of the issue is not actually the fact that i dont like sunday dinner. what the problem is, is that i want to come home to my house. a house where only rhys, eleri and i live. a house where is there no sunday dinner brewing away on the stove. i want my own space. i want my own groceries and i want to plan out my own meals. this is where the "be grateful you have a nice house to live in and someone who wants to cook the majority of your meals for you. why are you even complaining" bit comes in. and i know all of those things. i AM grateful to have a wonderful house to live in and 4 other lovely people to fill the rooms with laughter and conversation. but i am ready for my own home. after 7 months i feel as though i am reaching the end of my rope.
the snow has finally melted now and the sun has been out the last few days. the temperature has risen above freezing and we have ventured out on some walks. my new favourite thing to do is to look at the houses and imagine what is going on inside. if the blinds are open, i glace inside and look at the decorations. not in a creepy peeping tom kind of way, but in a 'i am only walking by' quick glance kind of way. and i dream of their life. then i dream of my future. what will my house be like, how will i decorate, where will it be. and then i get sad, fighting off tears because i know that in a few more steps i will be back at my in-laws house. it is a great house. but it is not mine. 7 people under one roof makes for a lot of chaos.
sometimes i look at friends facebook pictures of read their blogs and instead of coming away excited for their child's birthday or pleased at their new couch, i feel inadequate those are not things that i can do for my kid, or provide for my family. it is torturing myself really. it is even worse when i read the blogs of people i dont know. and i compare my life to theirs (gasp, i know, how awful) but it is awful. i will be 29 this year. there is no stretch of the immagination that will allow me to say i am in my early twenties. i am almost 30. and still struggling with comparing myself to others. i suck.
when i realistically step back and evaluate my life there is not a lot i can complain about. especially in the 4 years i have been married. living in the second most expensive city in the world has inhibited me from having my own house, a yard, space, furniture, a closet, extra toys/clothes and even a place to host my kids birthday parties but it has enabled me to travel with extreme ease. the adventures we have been on, even just around london, have been incredible. i have a lot to be thankful for. a lot.
but today for some reason i can not see any of those things through my tears. i am acutely aware instead of what i am lacking. not love, or belonging, or family. not food and shelter. everything i feel like i am missing out on is material. fleeting. superficial. but i still feel like i am missing out somehow. and today it is making me sad. i know that tomorrow will be better. i know there is a lot to look forward to. heck, in 4 weeks i am going to rome. for a week. uhhh....remind me again why i am crying?
life is funny sometimes. small things become big things. our perspective can so easily be skewed even by the most foolish of things. and i can logically realise that what i am typing is so inconsequential that it is probably not even worth the time it is taking me to type (good thing i type fast!) but it is how i am feeling. and 2011 is a year of honesty in everything. even the blog.
so i can cry about sunday dinner if i want to!
and just for you sarah and stef. but a word of warning. it is pretty gross.
5 comments:
i don't know that this is very encouraging, but i think what you're feeling is really normal. i think most people do that at some point or another. and i think moments like that are what bring perspective later...and if it makes you feel any better i got married in college, had a ridiculously low paying job (that i loved) and had a baby two years before i planned to, and sometimes feel the exact same way. even in america.
Poor little Tina toes. Thanks for the pic :) Perhaps this LONG season of going without the "stuff" that you'd love to have is preparing you to be the content and responsible steward that you want to be when you live in America. Remember that one year in grad school (I think) when I didn't buy any clothes for 6 months? I kind of hated it because the style that year was SO me and it was a bummer not to buy any of the clothes. After the 6 months, though, I realized how much I really didn't need that stuff I didn't buy. It still helps me to be frugal now, 5 or 6 years later. I know you really can't compare just not buying clothes to the situation you've been in for 7 months, but I think the same principal will hold true: you're gonna be better at standing strong against excess in America because of this time. That's maybe not comforting, but I think it's true. What is comforting is that when you get here we'll be ready to meet you at Olive Garden or On the Border for Sunday lunch. Since we go to church on Saturday night we can even go early and beat the Sunday lunch rush.
I don't think anyone ever grows out of measuring themselves by other people's yardsticks.
(Was that grammatically correct AT ALL? NO??? Moving on.)
If it makes you feel any better, I had a MASSIVE meltdown last week because I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas. Yes. Yes, I did. And it was just as childish and pathetic as you probably think it was. So, at least you're ahead of me in the "maturity" game!
I love the way you long for good things.... I love they ways you let yourself dream and feel...
love the toes! love you! sorry you have been down, can i just say that i think sunday's were made for mexican food?! it's what i am always craving after church. you will be in america soon, and hopefully i will live in arkansas again and we can be friends for real!
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