"imaginary world come to life..."

today began as one of the worst days ever. even before i got to work it was awful. hellishly awful.

My boss called about 815 asking about something or other and, of course, i made myself look useless by not knowing the answer. Then by the time i sat in hours of traffic and finally made it into the office...it just went downhill. people telling me to do things that i couldn't do because some section wasn't approved. or my boss needed something but being completely unrealistic with his expectations. basically from about 815 this morning until 1130 everything that happened made me look, and feel, like an idiot. and it was not cool.

it was that worst day. ever.

so after calling my husband in tears, complaining that yes he may be wearing fancy business clothes and sweeping a floor, doing common manual labour, my day was worse because...well, because it just was. no, i was not being the least bit self centered. my day really was worse. (right?) after we got off the phone i decided that since rhys always makes things better i would go to my old, OLD email account and read all the emails between Rhys and I when we first met in New Zealand.

then i remembered that a certain someone had broken into my email account 4 years ago and deleted them all.

and that made my day worse. at this point i have started crying again. how irrational can i be? (i blame the pregnancy hormones)

so my plan? go back through my sent items from 2005 and see what emails i sent to rhys. i figured i would have responded to some emails, so i would somewhere in there have some Rhys originals. i thought this was a fantastic idea. and it was.

in the process of finding rhys emails, i found general emails i sent from New Zealand to friends and family back home. and now i cant stop smiling. While i remember very fondly lots of things about New Zealand, its the little details that i have forgotten. Unfortunately i burned my journal from New Zealand (a long story and a rather foolish choice) but all the same, i have no journal from my time in NZed. So these precious few emails are all that i have.

i am so glad that i have them. I love remembering the little details about how New Zealand touched my heart and soul in a way that no other place has. The lush green rolling hills, the beautiful snow capped mountains, the relaxed culture, the active lifestyle, rugby as more than just a game, the food, the friends...the memories. New Zealand was everything that i had imagined (and needed) and so much more. I have said countless times that i really 'came into my own' whilst in NZed; and while that is true, it doesn't really communicate the whole story.

My heart was truly opened for the first time. I was not only open for what God wanted to teach me, but open to people in a completely different way than i had ever been before. Obviously I got a husband out of it, but even the second time i went back...the following February, sans Rhys, I gained so much more than a mate. I gained independence, confidence, humility, tolerance, patience, purpose, direction and enough memories to last a life time. my heart felt truly full, and fulfilled, for the first time.

i don't think i could say it better than i did on 14 June 2005..... "Everything is wonderful as New Zealand is my imaginary world come to life"