waiting....but not so patiently.

Chapters is a blog that I read when i get the chance. It is always a good read and I recommend you stop by if find the time. Amy, the author of said blog, has recently posted about waiting. Her story is waiting for a child. she has called for people to write in their own stories of waiting as means of encouragement to the readers. most are stories of waiting for partners, children or jobs. most have a conclusion.

mine is a little different.

It's interesting because lately i feel like that is all i have been doing. waiting. waiting for the next thing, the next move, the next step. but it is difficult to wait. there is a fine line between waiting patiently for what is coming and wishing away the present as you long for the next thing; being content with where you are and wanting something different.

jesus tells us to wait on Him. he has perfect timing and a perfect plan. Paul writes that he has found the secret to being content in every situation.... but there is a difference between waiting on the Lord and wanting something else. i am finding that the longer i am in my particular situation, the more blurred that line becomes.

For a while now I have felt like my life is in a constant state of transition. because of certain situations, i am always having to look ahead, plan for the next step. since rhys and i became parents, we have felt like it was time to leave London. but as with any big move, it was not a decision that could be made over night. the more we prayed about it and examined our options, the clearer it became that leaving london for america was in fact the right choice. and the transitioning began. (transitioning? is that even a word? hmmm...)

immigration, visa paper work, consular papers for eleri, citizenship documentation for me, moving out the flat, planning when to ship things to america, moving to wales, and waiting. and waiting. and then waiting some more. I am always looking to the next month thinking 'what paper work needs to be submitted this month?' 'what citizenship test do i need to take?' 'what checks need to be sent to which government and for how much?' and whilst those are all valid things to be doing, the constant state of having to look forward and wait for the next deadline has caused me to question other things. 'when will i have my own space?' 'when will we move?' 'when will i have my own house?' and 'jesus, when oh when will i have my own house?!'

i think that living in transition has led me to believe that i am instead living in uncertainty. and living in uncertainty had led me to question the things around me and forced me out of living in contentment and into living in fear and anxiety. waiting on the lord and his timing has become wishing for something else.

that is a very dangerous place to be.

in some ways i feel that my life has regressed. I got married, moved into a flat, worked in the city at a high profile corporate job, made friends, became involved in the community, got pregnant, birthed a child....and then quit my job, moved out of the flat, moved in with my in laws and live in isolation with no transportation, no community aside from sheep farmers and no independence except in the 14 x 14 bedroom our family shares. a little different than what i was expecting.

when rhys and i began praying about the next step, we both felt at peace about moving in with his parents. we wanted to spend some quality time with his family before immigrating to america. i was content to wait on the Lord as he gradually made known His plan to us. But now, I am not content. there is no other way to word it. our current situation is not ideal, granted. but it is also not bad. i dont know any young family who desires to live with 7 other people under one roof; to live by someone else rules. But we are truly blessed to have a family that has so graciously accepted us into their home and that has a home that can accommodate us. besides, what ever happened to waiting on the lord for His plan?

i am reminded of the age old argument of nurture versus nature. traditionally that discussion relates to the up bringing of children. but it applies in this situation too. am i only content to wait on the Lord when things are easy? when i have a comfortable living situation with things the way I want them? is it only then that i will seek out the Lords plan and wait patiently for it to come to fruition? what about when things are not exactly as i planned them? am i such a product of my circumstances (nature) that i cant remember the point of it all, what I have always believed (nurture)

waiting is difficult. waiting requires us to trust in something besides ourselves. waiting forces us out of control and into dependence upon the One who is really in control anyway. But waiting should also drive us into contentment. "Be STILL and KNOW that I am GOD" the would still could easily be replaces with WAIT.

when we quiet ourselves before the lord we are open to listen and wait for what He has for us. that is just easier said than done. so here i am waiting. not always patiently, and not always with a spirit of contentment, but waiting nonetheless.

so there is my story. i have faith that the Lord is doing, and planning, amazing things for our lives. I know that i wont feel stuck in this situation forever. and i know that there are really positive aspects to my circumstances. and i am working on being content regardless of what is happening.

and i will wait. with an open heart.