my OWN space.
can that be a thing? can i want to achieve that? i have put off reverb-ing for a while now in the hope of coming up with something else, anything else, that i want to achieve in 2011. I can think of other things- ultra marathon fitness, quilt making abilities, painting skills, etc... but nothing can even come close to competing with the desire, nay necessity, of my own space.
ideally that would mean owning a house when we move. i am a bit skeptical on that because the cards seemed pretty stacked against us. as of now we have no jobs (in the states) no bank accounts, no credit history- good or bad-no furniture, no household goods, and on top of that we have the added expense of moving a family overseas. we do have a good deposit, but will that be enough? not sure. but even if we can not buy a house straight away, my own space could mean rented accommodation that consists of just me, rhys and eleri. i loved living with leah for 5 months. i liked sharing our friends houses for a month when we were leaving london and it was good (and tough) living with the in-laws for a grand total of 9.5 months. but i am done. done with sharing bathrooms and kitchens. done with sharing the tele and the refrigerator. i am done with sharing a home. done. (and just in case the point was not made clearly enough- i am done. done. done. done!!) i want my own space.
i try to not let myself think about how awesome it will be to live just as a family of 3. i am afraid if i dwell too long on it that i will end up even more frustrated with our current situation. dont get me wrong, we are truly blessed to live in a wonderful home, with kind and caring in-laws. but it is not our home. and i have reached the stage in my life when i no longer want to live with parents. i am a parent myself. and i want my own home.
i have even started collecting pictures for my future home. pictures of kitchens, living rooms, furniture....all kinds of things that i want to incorporate into my own house. realistically i am sure it will be a while before i can have a kitchen that looks like this
and my living room wont look quite like this when i first move to america
but i am ready for my own space whatever it looks like. in fact, i am desperately longing for my flat in london. (ok so that is not entirely true. 380 sq feet was a bit too tiny for a family of 3) but the fact that it was ours, just the 3 of us, was glorious. and that is what i am aspiring to for 2011. my own space.
what feelings will my own space give me? peace and freedom. my own space will be peaceful. not say that there will never be an argument in the house. or that everything will always be 100% smooth sailing. but my home will be governed by my rules (or lack there of) there will a sense of openness -freedom- to be who i want to be, to live how i want to live, to mother how i want to mother...without questions, comments, or concerns. my own space will give me independence. to me that feeling is priceless. i am sure i could write a long list of adjectives describing how my own house would make me feel, but i will leave it at that. peace, freedom and independence.
the second half of the reverb prompt asks what 10 things i can do/think that will enable me to have the feelings described above. hmmm....i could take and pass my british drivers test which would provide me with the freedom to leave the house whenever i choose. but other than that, i am not sure. i dont think that given our circumstances, i can make myself free peace and freedom with 10 thoughts or actions. that is ok for the moment because there are many positives about our current situation. and i have learned a lot through a dependent lifestyle. but ah, the day when i have my own house..... stroll on 2011!
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